This really is such an important question to ask yourself in your attempts to live a more substantial life. In fact, it might just be one of the most critical factors to marinate on in your life no.matter.what – and, one to repeatedly remind yourself of.
Do you hear yourself uttering the words “Yes” or “Sure” or “Yeah, That’s Okay” or “Sorry, but…..” all-too-often?Â
If you answered yes (haha – sorry, I couldn’t help myself! See what I did there?) to this question, then this post is for you!
Don’t diminish your voice or who you are!Â
YOU are in the driver’s seat of your life, and if there is someone or there are factors in your life that are cutting-in and acting all back-seat-driver, well, dearies…..
IT’S TIME TO CUT THE CORD.
As much as we all need community around us and support, we also must clarify the quality of the community and support around us! This is an absolutely critical distinction!
Those who know me well might be surprised to hear me say that I think of myself as being too much of a “yes person.” As a woman, wife, and mother — I guess I’m kinda doomed to be one. I know there are many of you who can relate to this, too!Â
But, that’s not really what I’m talking about, here. I talk a lot in this blog about how you want to be able to reflect on your life with positivity and fulfillment, and really this post has a lot to do with that concept.
Like, if you were on your death-bed, who would be around you? Who do you want to remember taking up space in your heart and in your mind?
What I really want you (and me! remember it’s a process for me, too!) to think about here is this:
[bctt tweet=”If you said NO to more things, WHAT could you open yourself up to say YES to?
– A Substantial Life Blog ” via=”no”]
Heavy, right?
As you know, this blog is ALL ABOUT streamlining your life! The whole reason I started this blog was my ‘AHA’ moment and my realization that I wanted to live a life I could feel proud of, live in a high-vibe state, do things that mattered and were important to me, and to tap into my passion! And pretty much anything else, well….everything else just needed to take a back seat!
I like to refer to it as LIFE PURGING….
I don’t know about you, but as I get older I find myself really not willing to accept half-a@! anymore.
Like, the scenario can be anything: a friend who every time you two get together ONLY talks about herself, the co-worker who treats others heartlessly when really she’s just insecure/hateful/bitter/toxic, the service-guy who you know is ripping you off but takes advantage of your long-standing business relationship, or the family friend whose money woes impart their woes onto you….
Well, the list could go on. And on. And on, now, couldn’t it?
THE REMEDY IS SIMPLE:
Just.Don’t.Put.Up.With.It.Anymore.
Really. It IS that simple! Here are some steps you can take, and some words o’ wisdom, in order to declutter your life and JUST SAY NO in a world where the status-quo is to say yes all the time….
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Cut That “Friend” Cord:
This can be a tough one. I get it. There will be people (people you consider friends even OR whom you’ve known for a loooong time)Â who you know are only adding stress/guilt/negativity/toxic behavior, etc into your life. Here’s the thing, though: if they aren’t bringing anything good into you, your ‘friendship,’ or your life — WHY do you maintain this so-called friendship?
It took me awhile to realize this myself, trust me! BUT, once you cut these people out of your life (or, maybe they cut you out – you were shocked – but then realized it was a gift, after all!) it will become clear to you that they were bogging you down and their reasons for being in your life weren’t authentic!
Remember This: the broken people, the people casting too much (unjust) judgment your way, THESE are the people holding you back from your light.
People who react negatively to the positive things in your life, or find childish reasons to bring you down, or take things FAR too personally than any adult should….scenarios like this is a MIRROR, dear readers: it is a mirror not on you, but on them.
This mirror shows you what they really feel about themselves. And, life is FAR TOO SHORT to allow these types of people to rent space in your world! These types of people are out of alignment, and their involvement in your life – your allowing them to be in your space – makes it very difficult for you to be TRUE to yourself and live your life in a more sophisticated way.
[bctt tweet=”Removing toxic space around you allows you to fill that space with a higher vibe that you’re meant to surround yourself with. – A Substantial Life Blog” via=”no”]
Again, when you are lying on your death-bed, who do you want to be there with you? Who do you WANT to take up the space in your mind? What are the memories that will stand out? Will it matter that you always said yes to people, or will it matter more that you didn’t worry about what others thought about you – and that you lived authentically?Â
Let me ask you a few questions (you might want to get out a pen and write it down — there’s power in that….) – your answers can contain more than one person:
- WHO in your life do you KNOW you can be your true self with and who ALWAYS lifts you up?
- WHO in your life makes you feel down/guilty/insecure/stupid/weak/doubtful of yourself?
- WHO in your life questions you and your actions, but lives authentically themselves?
- Whose opinions of you do you (truly) care about? Who do you wish for respect from? Who do you look up to?
So, take a look at your answers – and marinate on them a bit.
Here’s a breakdown of your answers:
Answer #1 – Surround yourself with the person(s) in this answer. THESE people are your tribe. And if there’s only one, guess what? THAT.IS.ALL.YOU.NEED.
Answer #2 – These are the toxic people you need to declutter. STAT. Be kind, but remember their opinions or influence are NOT to be entertained or considered.
Answer #3 – These are the people you should listen to, but always remember to not give over too much power. Be careful, there….and stay authentic to who YOU are whilst still only accepting advice or input from people in this category who live authentically themselves; people who live their best life.
Answer #4 – These are the people who you REALLY care about; the people who should be surrounding you at your death-bed: your mom, dad, spouse, partner, children, etc. – but, maybe not. THESE people are who you need more influence from….
There’s a reason you’re drawn to this blog and this post — but ask yourself this: who are the people in your life who would give you side-eye, or make you feel ridiculous for having these thoughts or feelings of wanting to surround yourself with positivity???
I’m not saying to cut those people from your life, especially if they are in your immediate family. But what I am saying is don’t let someone else be your voice. If living a more empowered life and being the leader in your own life feels authentically YOU — then do NOT let someone else take that YOU from YOU.
Make sense?
Let me give you an example. My wonderful husband originally thought my passion for essential oils was completely “woo-woo.” Let’s just say there were many jokes about my being a ‘hippie’, ‘spiritual gansta’, ‘where are your crystals’ etc etc made at my expense. I laughed along to a lot of it….
but here’s the thing: I didn’t let HIS opinions affect MY opinions or beliefs.
I stayed, firmly, authentically, ME. If we were all clones of each other and all held the same belief systems or opinions – wouldn’t that be incredibly boring?
And, I lived authentically by example! What do I mean? I showed him that these little magic bottles really do hold an important place in our lives: he was lead to the validity of these oils by my example. I made my own cleaning products, which saved money – yup, he liked that bit. He saw how they helped our neurotic dog calm down, how our son would apply his kid’s oils before starting homework and how they helped him focus, he saw how they boosted his own immune system or assisted in his own aches and pains….he saw how I was authentic in my belief in these oils!
He knew through my own negative experience with the state of our healthcare system today and my passion for taking back the control over my own health issues, this passion for oils wasn’t going anywhere. It was my passion he felt — and it was then that he got ‘on board.’
I led, authentically, by example.
DARE to be your authentic self. If you do, you will attract only the types of people into your life who bring goodness; enlightenment. Don’t give the others – no matter the strength or length of the relationship – the opportunity to inject your life with their unrefined and unenlightened energy….
So, now it’s up to you: it’s time to enhance your life with the types of people you actually WANT to spend time with! If you really want a simpler, less chaotic and less stressful life — you need to streamline the peeps in your life and zero-in-on quality folks ONLY.
It won’t be easy, but it will feel right.
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Put Your Foot Down – Demand Respect:
This certainly can refer to your job, your relationship with your boss or co-worker’s, or even subordinates in your workplace. It can refer to any natural scenario, actually…so keep this in mind as you read the suggestions below!
Here’s a little fact life has taught me: if you demand respect, people will be more likely to give it to you. Now, there’s ways to ‘demand’ it – but demand it you will do! The biggest hurdle here, I believe, is limited self-belief. Also, within this limited self-belief also lies far too much concern with what others think of us or might think of us; there IS a better way!
Most importantly, when you do finally demand respect, you end up showing YOURSELF the most respect of all….
Although I’m certainly no self-help guru, Tony Robbins IS. Now, I do know that he is known to point out that if you are someone who has limited self-belief, or someone who allows themself to be someone else’s doormat — well, this might just have something to do with one (or both) of your parents….#makepeacewithyourself
What do I mean? Well, in simple terms (and again – this is not my original idea – it’s all Tony!!!) it goes a little something like this: which one of your parents did you not feel approved of you or do you feel you disappointed? Again, this is in simple-speak; you might need to break down this concept a bit deeper. Sooooo……you might need to work on that a wee bit and sort yourself out. #foodforthought
I have found in my own life experience that those people who tried to intimidate me, or shame me, or make me feel ‘less than,’ THOSE people I (either eventually or immediately) demanded respect from were really just all bark and no bite.
To make it easier for you, I always approach scenarios with this mindset:
“What, at the end of the day, is the RIGHT thing to do, here?”
I find that if you are constantly asking yourself this very simple question, the universe really does lead you down the right path. People, and different situations, can be VERY complex. But, when you break it down into this simplistic concept, you realize we bring a lot of chaos into situations that are much more straightforward than you originally believed. You might also tweak this concept down a bit further into,
“What, at the end of the day, is the right thing to do for MYSELF, here?”
Being seen as compliant and helpful is nice, but it most certainly won’t garner you respect from others. I see a lot of women falling into this trap. My mother’s generation, for example, tended to be raised to be seen as a ‘nice young lady’ whose amenability was seen as approval. What I do believe is that if you lead your life under this moniker, you will (undoubtedly) be taken advantage of.Â
So, my suggestion is to treat others with kindness (always) – but do NOT let anyone (boss, friend, spouse – anyone!) take advantage of you! It’s a fine line, yes: and it is the tipping point of this line you need to get to know intimately and thoroughly in order to learn how to say no tactfully and convincingly.
This is a critical step in creating a much more substantial life…
When you give this power to others, you also really move away from the type of substantial life we are talking about, here: when you overload your schedule committing to those who don’t truly matter, those people in your life who really do matter may suffer.
When you give in to too many unfulfilling relationships, you send the message that you don’t care enough about yourself – and then human nature might take over – and you will be taken advantage of!
Remember to always ask yourself, if I was at the end of my life, would this really matter to me?
HERE ARE SOME TIPS & TRICKS TO JUST SAY NO AND DEMAND RESPECT:
- Don’t say too much: there is a lot of power and control over not divulging too much information to others. Keep your answers simple and concise. Say things such as, “That’s is nice of you to consider me, but right now just really isn’t a good time” or “I’m just not in a place to help right now.” Most people will try to get more out of you, because they aren’t expecting a “NO.” That’s just the reality of human nature — but don’t let them sway you. Stand your ground and keep it simple and firm.
- Remember that saying NO isn’t the same thing as repudiation:Â you aren’t saying no to the person — you are saying to know to their request. And, here’s the great news on this one….IF they take it as a denunciation of them, you simply say to them, “This is most certainly NOT a refusal of you as a person/friend/co-worker…this is just a request I simply cannot carry through right now.” Done and Done.Â
- If you are stumped, buy yourself time: what I mean is, if someone’s request of you really does shock you/stump you/leave you unsure of how to respond, buy yourself time with responses such as, “Let me get back to you on that,” or “I need to think that one over a bit so please allow me some marination on the subject.” If they persist and ask you what you mean, simply say the same thing again. And again, if necessary….and again. Sometimes if you imagine yourself being interviewed by authorities and you just stick to the same response over and over and over again – well, eventually people give up and see you are standing firmly in this response and that you aren’t going to budge. This allows you the time to really marinate on whether or not you want to say yes or no — and in turn you will become more clear and confident with your final response.
- Don’t compromise: this eludes to #3 a bit, but just don’t settle if you’re unsure. Sometimes, we have a tendency to just say yes. Don’t let that be your automated response to things. To anything. If it helps you to practice these types of conversations out loud or with someone you trust, by all means do so! If you study for a test in school or take the time to educate yourself on your new work project, why not study and rehearse how you respond to others in life, riiiight???
- No guilt allowed: this is a super important one, as it is human nature to throw guilt onto people if someone isn’t getting the response they want or desire. I see a lot of women doing this, and I also see this all too often with parents and their kids. Stay true to your belief systems! You want to say no for a reason, so don’t let guilt or misguided intentions affect your response! When people (or kids!) hear you saying no, they themselves learn the art of self-control. It’s a great way of reminding those around you that their opinions of you aren’t going to waver, so no matter what they say or do, you are grounded and sure of your decision/response.
- Stay true to you:Â keep this one at the forefront of your mind at all times. Heck, if ya need to put up post-it notes around your house to remind you or listen to inspiring podcasts, or utilize influential quotes….whatever it takes, friend! When you take the time to truly get to know yourself and what is crucially important to you, only then can you better examine the who’s, the what’s, and the why’s you desire and accept into your life!
Remember: the people who remind you to stay positive, be true to yourself, and do whatever you need to do in order to feel your best are your true tribe!
And please remember, that what is overcommitment to one person can look entirely different to another person. So, don’t beat yourself up if Sally your co-worker IS able to complete all the tasks your boss asks of her. Because here’s the thing: I’d bet money the boss really doesn’t respect Sally any more than she respects you. And when the boss finds herself in a bind, she’s much more likely to take advantage of Sally than you. #win-win
Remember, if your boss isn’t wanted at your death-bed or isn’t the person you answered in numero quatro…..well, her opinion of who you are or what your capabilities are really…. just.don’t.matter.
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Above All Else: Stay FOCUSED….
This tip really is the hardest. Cuz, yeeeeahhhhh – it’s all about YOU. YOUR self-control. Don’t fret, dear readers: I am reminding mahself of this one all.the.time.
You see, I am that person who is constantly distracted. Shiny new thing to my left? Yes, please!!! Sparkly new idea to my right? I’m totally on board!!!
I’m the girl who attempts to run before she learns to walk. You get me, here? Is this kinda like you? If not, it’s still always a good reminder to really narrow down your list of all things substantial in order to not get off-track. Because, the reality is this: it is SUPER easy to get off-track these days….
Whether it’s social media, or Netflix, or Pinterest…..or falling down any rabbit hole for that matter — well, we’re all susceptible to this! But it really is critical for us to JUST.SAY.NO. to these things! Here’s my advice:
- Cut the amount of time you spend in the rabbit hole; ensure each day is started with a clean and clear idea of what you want to accomplish
- Ask yourself when you are drawn to something if it REALLY IS on your (short) list of SUBSTANTIAL LIVING
- Realize that when you spread yourself too thin, you cannot and will not be successful at the things that truly matter to you (it sounds harsh, but it’s true)
- Just because you might be seen as good at everything, don’t allow people to take advantage of this fact; practice saying NO! Remember to say no to things so you can say YES to things that MATTER….
- Marinate on what you are SUPER good at, and ONLY.DO.THAT.
- Don’t say you don’t have time; make time: get up early, or stay up late. Meal prep so you can say adios to the family one or two nights a week simply in order to get the opportunity to DO what you find essential to who you are will stay present in your life. Cuz it’s who you are — and not much is more important than that….
- a la’ Numero Uno, cut things out: unfriend, unsubscribe, untether, unassociate, UNTIE yourself from those ties that bind, vex, take up far too much of your time, and constrict. Write down your list of substantial things and ONLY your essentials, friends….and DO.NOT.DIVERGE.Â
Need to know what this looks like? Well, here’s me as an example:
- As a chronic pain sufferer, I realized the only form of exercise I can do realistically is walk or hike. So, that’s what I do for exercise.
- I am extremely careful with my social time and who gets it. If you aren’t a member of my tribe, I don’t commit.
- My weekly schedule is strict and clearly delineated. If it’s Monday, I do house stuff. If it’s Wednesday, I blog and create. After I pick my son up from school, it’s homework time. If it’s the weekend, I spend time with my family. Or, I fit in more blog and content creation time. I don’t deviate. If I happen to have a wee bit of ‘me’ time, I always focus on my blog or educating myself on essential oils, because that’s my passion and what allows me to feel authentically me.
- Although social media is a critical aspect of my business marketing, I constantly ask myself if what I’m currently doing is moving myself forward, or moving someone else forward. #BOOM #lightbulbmoment
- I say no when it doesn’t feel right, seem right, or simply — if I don’t want to do it.Â
I believe that learning to say NO! is an absolutely vital tool in order to find more success in our lives. It is this constant reminder – every time we stand up for ourselves and say that word – we are driving our life in the right direction; we are headed to the destination WE desire — not the destination someone else desires.
As stated earlier (and, perhaps, equally important!), it also reminds those who inhabit our lives that you:
a.) HAVE boundaries, and
b.) know WHEN to use them!
This in turn demands respect from others. It reminds them that you aren’t a doormat, their pawn, or their sucker….
[bctt tweet=”We need to eradicate this archaic concept that being compliant, constantly in-service-to, flexible, and obedient is equal to success. It isn’t. – A Substantial Life Blog” via=”no”]
The ONLY sure route to your own success is learning to put yourself first, say no to others who don’t totally pump you up or value your self-worth, and draw your boundary lines in the sand deep and hard…and – whatever you do – don’t deviate from these lines.
Then, and only then, can you map out the course to a beautiful and substantial life….
Always Here,
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