One of my closest friends once described me really well: she told me, “Tara – you sure seem to run before you walk!”
As I get older, I realize just how insightful she was (thanks, Sonia). I have always wanted things done – and done NOW! I have always impulsively decided on something and then put all efforts into making it happen, and happen NOW! Patience has never been my strongest virtue, and some might say I end up being kind of perpetually disappointed with outcomes and easily bored. 😬 Side effect of a dreamer, maybe? Those closest to me know that I struggle to just, well –BE…..
It’s not that I’m negative, because I am definitely not a negative thinker! I like to think of myself as pretty dang optimistic, especially considering the health issues I’ve gone through (more in a future post, I promise…) and some life obstacles I’ve had to tread through. But as I find myself getting closer to mid-life, I realize that I’ve really been missing the whole point of a substantial and fulfilled life when it comes to personal accomplishment:
I haven’t been appreciating the present; the process of all things….
So, in this blog post I will go through just some tools I’ve been using to refocus my thinking and re-train my brain in order to allow myself more leeway, relish in the baby steps towards a goal rather than expecting it to happen NOW, and lastly – the art of forgiving myself when things don’t go exactly the way I thought they would.
My family moved into a new house recently. To be precise, it was March 13, 2020. Yup – just days before we would all find ourselves in the current state of a pandemic. We had moved out of the small city we were living in the last 10 + years and to a very small, rural town just outside our former city. We were ecstatic: our son would go to a K-8th Grade Elementary School that was – no joke – about a 30 step walk from our new house! The main street in town is sprinkled with quaint eateries, wine tasting rooms, and adorable locally-owned shops. We were so looking forward to walking the 3 minutes into town to take advantage of all of these offerings on-the-regular! We were especially excited to be a part of such a small and diverse community, too. My husband even bought himself an electric car for his new 20-minute commute to his teaching jobs!
But, as you know, that is not at all what happened. The electric car sits most days in the garage, we don’t partake in any of the offerings due to my immune system issues (although we do try to support our local restaurants and wineries as often as we can with curbside pick-up), and our son is now homeschooling for the foreseeable future. sigh
Buying this particular house was a serious compromise for me, especially because it is stylistically not at all my ideal home. I adore old homes (really – the older the better), and we ended up purchasing this house rather impulsively because of the afore-mentioned positives. So, here we find ourselves today: in a home that doesn’t “speak” to either my husband or myself, not taking advantage of our beloved new rural town and all its incredible offerings, and our son isn’t getting the joy of walking to and from his new small school and making new friends in this tight community.
We all deal with the cards we’ve been dealt, and by NO MEANS do I feel we are suffering. Quite the contrary, that should be specified. But, there were a lot of other places we’d seriously considered that were more “us” when it came to the home, the land, and my homesteading desires. And we opted against those. Moving into a new home (unpacking, buying new furniture, etc) whilst experiencing the scary realities of a pandemic was overwhelming to say the least. It was stressful, kinda depressing, and left me feeling deeply unmotivated yet overwhelmed with the new list of things I wanted done. And I am someone who has usually completely redesigned a new space before even moving in! I mean, we’ve now lived here 4 months and I still have art sitting up against walls! VERY unlike the usual me….
So, after recently returning from a two week RV getaway in good ole’ Nessie (our rig) that involved plenty o’ time to meditate on things, I decided that since it has become clear that I will be homeschooling my 8 year old and he won’t be attending school at all, I needed to do whatever I could to make my new home feel more like home, both interior and exterior-wise!
It dawned on me that in order to maintain a positive outlook in these scary times, I needed to create a positive atmosphere all around me! And since I knew this house wasn’t my ideal and I was about to embark on being stuck inside it for the next 6 months minimum…..well: let’s just say my mind went crazy with the amount of work that needed to be done to this house and my To-Do-List just got longer and longer!
So, here I was: back to feeling there weren’t enough hours in the day to get what needed to be done – DONE!
It was right about then that I realized I was totally missing the point on my never-ending journey towards leading a more substantial and meaningful life. Here I was, in the very lucky position to be a stay-at-home-mom, with a roof over my head in a beautiful and rural setting…..and ALL I could do was focus on the things that I didn’t have, or didn’t have DONE! 🤦🏼♀️
So, this post, dear readers, is totally inspired by my own failing to realize that ALL the things don’t HAVE to happen NOW! That the baby steps, the slow process of accomplishing things and enjoying the things I do have, and taking the ACTUAL TIME to enjoy the present is where life’s true fulfillment lies….
To be completely transparent, I’m half writing this post (as with many of my blog posts! Ha!) in order to convince myself. But I also feel that a lot of other people might benefit from this reminder. I know I’m not alone in this dilemma, by any means! Amiright???
[bctt tweet=”Regardless of whether I’m feeling unsatisfied or unmotivated, the point is that it is my THOUGHTS that are depriving me of the actual pleasure of TODAY.” username=”@TaraHoward17″]
There are definitely no guarantees in this world (lookin’ at you, pandemic!) and the AHA! Moment that came to me was that it is ME that is in CONTROL of my own thoughts and perceptions! I mean, we ALL tend to forget this really important fact, right? So, I want to share with you some of the really easy and useful tips I’ve been experimenting with in my own life in order to feel less hurried to perfect everything, enjoy what is happening NOW, and relish in taking things slower:
⇒ MEDITATE & RELAX:
So, you know if you’ve been with me awhile, that I have found a deep appreciation for daily meditation. But, I’m a realist, and I’d be lying if I said I meditate every.single.day. But here is what I DO ensure that I give to myself each and every day: 20-30 minutes of doing nothing. Hey, some might say this in itself is a type of meditation! It might not be as calming as Andy’s voice, but if you make yourself sit down or lie down and do nothing I absolutely guarantee you will feel less chaotic and learn to appreciate the present moment! And here’s a very important tip: don’t look at your phone, just look around and enjoy your surroundings.
Even though I don’t accomplish daily meditation (yet!) I have found that using the Headspace app as much as I can has absolutely taught me to let go of my thoughts more and make peace with them. And that is actually really huge, in my opinion! Meditation isn’t about being completely zen and enlightened: it is simply about acknowledging your thoughts, filtering out the ones less useful, and letting them go. See? It’s easy! And again, it isn’t about doing it religiously and if you don’t you are a failure: stop beating yourself up! Just try to get in some quiet time for yourself, and in doing so, you will slowly but surely learn that you are – in fact – learning to appreciate the present.
⇒ LEARN TO MAKE PEACE WITH/ACCEPT THE PROCESS:
So, let’s assume you are perpetually thinking, “tomorrow it’ll be better.” Or, “if only we could just get the whole house decorated everything will be better in my life.” Sound familiar?
It does to me! This is the whole your-thoughts-controlling-you and NOT you-controlling-your-thoughts scenario! For example, I had this ceaseless voice in my head the entire first 3-4 months since moving into this new house, and that voice was CONSTANTLY telling me that I either:
• hadn’t accomplished enough in a day
• didn’t have enough $$$ in the pot to complete the house the way I wanted
• that what I had accomplished just wasn’t good enough
• that I needed to finish everything interior AND exterior in a hurried and rushed manner in order to look good…..
And, well – the list went on and on. This voice, dear readers, is NOT YOUR FRIEND.
As my dear friend Analisa once told me in response to my perpetual moaning about my house not looking perfect: “Tara, I hate to break it to you, but the magazine shoot crew is NOT coming to your house today. Or tomorrow. “
I mean really, HOW freakin’ true is that???? 💡 💡 💡 💡 💡
And even though I do hear her wise words even years later, I still fight the inner voices telling me I need to do more and be more and it all needs to be done NOW! NOW! NOW! So, here is my advice you guys: just be content with the baby steps, trust that the process makes everything more appreciated in the long run, and be happy with what you have right at-this-very-moment! There are, currently, sporadic paintings and artwork on my walls and then zero art on other walls and a bunch collected on the floor next to the dining room table, the house seems to be perpetually untidy (I’m a clean freak, btw), and there is still about a gazillion items on a list that I want done to this new place.
But, I’m learning that there is absolutely and positively ZERO rule out there about it all being done NOW, NOW, NOW.
Social media and the persistent visuals filled with idyllic lives and perfect families certainly doesn’t help, here. So, remember that NOTHING it as good as it seems, everyone’s life has messes and difficulties, and especially in the current times – well, we should all feel pretty damn fortunate for what we do have. Even if it isn’t a lot. And PUHLEASE: let’s stop comparing ourselves to others….it’s soul-killing!
Another sweet and talented interior designer friend told me just recently:
“Remember: it is critical that you experience living in a space for quite some time before you make any major changes or updates. The information you attain while waiting is invaluable to making the correct decisions. I’d suggest tackling the house room by room so it’s not so overwhelming in terms of effort, money, and adjusting to the changes.”
Again: I have the BEST.FRIENDS.EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
⇒ PRIORITIZE, ACHIEVE SMALL STEPS, & MOVE FORWARD:
One thing I have been doing that I have found to be really helpful is to keep a Google Sheets running list of ALLTHETHINGS I want done, and then I am able to move them around to prioritize my goals as ideas change, time to achieve certain goals changes, etc. Nothing is static, and as each day goes on of course it’s normal for our priorities to shift a bit.
I created my own “Project List” that I print out weekly in order to keep me on track. If you want to download this FREE TEMPLATE, click here. You’re welcome. 😍
I find that by printing out the weekly list, I am much more likely to achieve what is on said list, and I don’t end up getting overwhelmed each time I reference the loooooong list on my Google Sheets version. Plus, with this list printed out, it is therefore smack in front of you (I keep mine on my fridge – it’s SO fulfilling crossing items off!) and you are then much more likely to achieve that oh-so-satisfying-feeling of crossing each to-do item off! ✅
Even on the days where I don’t even get more than one item crossed off, knowing the list is there and that there IS always tomorrow to get ‘er done makes me feel more calm and serene inside. And THAT is priceless to me….just move forward and keep going. And remember, the magazine crew is NOT coming to your house tomorrow…. 😜
⇒ GET OUT IN NATURE:
This one is immensely powerful! It really never ceases to amaze me how critical it is. And by this, I don’t mean just take a walk (although that helps, too.) What I mean is: take a mini vacation, hit the road with a day trip somewhere you love and haven’t been to in awhile, heck: walk to a nearby coffee shop and just sit and people watch! I have found – especially in these times – that it’s really insightful and calming to do this. Doing so has provided me with clearer objectives, astute thoughts and ideas, and a literal appreciation for the now.
Getting outside always leaves me in a better state-of-mind. Also, I come back feeling more motivated, less overwhelmed, and just more unambiguous in my thoughts. As someone who has a very hard time just BEING without a racing mind, getting outside really helps me to not only appreciate being present in my thoughts (or simply observing nature – which is very therapeutic!) but also allows me to reconnect with exactly what is truly important to me as an individual.
Mother Earth is pretty dang powerful, friends….
⇒ RETRAIN YO’ BRAIN:
So, this is perhaps the thing that has brought about the most valuable outcomes for me! This is where it’s super important to remember the fact that YOU, my friends, are supposed to be in control of your thoughts, NOT the other way around. It’s such a simple concept, but I bet each and every one of you forgets this fact more often than anyone would like to admit! 🙋🏼♀️ Yeah, me too!
Each morning, when I wake up, I tell myself this mantra: “One Day At A Time.” Yes, I get the TV show intro song stuck in my head. A LOT. 🤪 I know it seems kinda cheesy, but it TOTALLY helps me! Then, I also remind myself that there is a set of routine items I should take care of, such as:
• Make the bed
• Brush teeth, wash face, apply natural products (self care is legit calming, friends!)
• Tidy up each room in house
• Wash dinner dishes if there are any leftover from the night before
It’s really interesting, because here is what I’ve noticed IF I do these super simple things: I feel lighter, more satisfied, and calmer. Then I sit down with a cup of coffee and feel I can take on the day…..whereas when I don’t do these things, I end up achieving much, MUCH less. Isn’t that crazy? But it’s totally true! I’ve really been self-monitoring this. And the outcome is simply incredible. It’s just setting your psyche up to keep you on track throughout the day!
Here’s another helpful hint: Self-Monitoring.
It’s utterly amazing to me how much my outlook has changed (in a positive way) since actively self-monitoring my thoughts! I never did this before, and MAN how I wish I had actually taken the time to start earlier! Talk about a game-changer!!!
I’ve noticed that since self-monitoring on-the-regular, I’m also totally more present in the thing that I’m doing. For example, when I am batch cooking for the week, instead of being constantly annoyed by interruptions, or seeing it as a chore I don’t want to do, I actually see it as something I am doing in order to make my life easier! Especially important since mealtime around my house is extremely complicated! I also make the atmosphere pleasing: I tell Alexa to play me some french cafe music or dinner party music, pour myself some wine, and totally immerse myself in it!
Another simple reminder to tell yourself is that we NEVER really know what life will throw at us or where we’ll be in 5 years (again, lookin’ at you, pandemic!!!! 😵) – so don’t bother stressing yourself out over all the things you need to do to your house, your business, your career, etc. One of my closest and most treasured friends, Georgina, reminded me of this recently regarding my constantly-looking-at-the-future-here’s-everything-I-still-have-to-do-and-oh-did-I-mention-this-house-style-isn’t-really-my-dream-style mind-frame. She told me:
“Here’s what you know: you bought the house in an area that will only appreciate. Do small things as you can afford it and don’t see it as your forever home. Think about everything you do as an investment for resale OR to improve the house to your liking, and remember that we’re in the middle of a pandemic, your son WILL walk to school eventually, and simply enjoy what you DO have.”
Can you totally see why she’s one of my besties??? 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Hearing all this sage advice from such trusted sources has also been illuminating. So, that’s my last tip for you, my dear readers: surround yourselves with people who know you well, are positive-minded, and smart-as-whips. In doing so, when even your own brain is lettin’ you down – you can turn to them to vent and regroup and move forward….
So, speaking of moving forward, from here on out this is what I intend to do:
- Self-Monitor and remember all any of us can do is take it ONE.DAY.AT.A.TIME.
- Relax, meditate, practice self-care, and practice positive self-talk
- Make PEACE with the baby steps, the fact that there’s still LOTS to do, and remember it’s about the journey…
- Get outside and enjoy surroundings without distraction such as cell phone, etc
- Achieve small steps in a REALISTIC time-frame, always be open to prioritization shifts
I really do hope someone out there finds this post helpful or useful. In these super scary times we are experiencing, it’s critically important to remember to focus on the present day….because we know now more than ever before perhaps just how quickly it can be taken away.
Also, be kind to yourselves, readers. You deserve it.
Always Here,
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