So, can I get a show of hands of anyone out there needing just a liiiiitttle bit more A-Time these days? 🖐 🖐 🖐 🖐 🖐 🖐 🖐 🖐 🖐
Yeah, I thought so.
With the global pandemic, we’re all spending copious amounts of time with our significant others, families, etc. Good ole’ alone time is a thing of the past these days. Since we’re all (hopefully) responsibly staying at home as much as possible, and with a lot of people working from home as well, it’s only natural that family tiffs and arguments will ensue.
Considering these facts, I thought a post including wisdom from those who have survived decades of marriage together would be fitting!
Get this, though: my beautiful parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in August of last year. Hubby and I splurged and sent them on a week trip nearby to Cambria, California to stay at a romantic inn. We had flowers in their room upon their arrival, and treated them to a wonderful and memorable dinner. Lordie knows they deserve it! FIFTY years, ya’ll….. 🤷🏼♀️
I mean, honestly you guys – it’s hard for me to even wrap my head around THAT.MANY.YEARS.WITH.THE.SAME.PERSON. 🤪
My parents have lessons for a long and happy marriage for us! They did it! They beat the odds, they have successfully accomplished those vows they made to each other back in 1970, and they have provided my sister and I with countless life lessons for me to pass down to my own kiddo.
And here’s the thing about these two: even with Covid, they aren’t sick of each other! Okay, okay – so I’d be the first to admit that marriage probably does get easier the more years you are together, but these two lovebirds just never cease to amaze me with their mutual respect, loyalty, and ability to break through any barriers life may throw at them!
So – what’s their secret?
I thought you’d never ask! This post will contain input from both my parents that they have shared with me in the past, present, and advice they’ve given to me for the future as well. I figure the least I could do during a global pandemic is treat my dear readers to a ray of hope and a happy ending. There’s LOTS of life lessons to learn from here, friends – so read on!
Here’s another thing I’ve noticed about these two: they seem to be MORE in love with each other than ever before! Talk about some serious #lifegoals ……
My parents were set up by a mutual friend. My super-hot little Mama was throwing a house party in Los Angeles where they both lived, and the mutual friend told my Mom about my Dad. My Mom says she was kind of indifferent to the whole thing. She had married already at 19 and that ended shortly thereafter. She’d been through a lot, and I get the feeling getting married and settling down wasn’t exactly on my Mom’s radar at that time in her life, ya know?
She actually jokes that on the night of the house party, their mutual friend had reminded her that my Dad was there (somewhere amongst the cramped party guests) and that she had actually completely forgotten that this set-up was even supposed to take place! 😲
Poor Dad! I’m glad she was reminded or they might not have ever met, and I – well, wouldn’t be writing these words right now!
Well, of course they DID meet – and ended up falling head over heels in love and married within 6 months! Incredibly, they have remained committed to each other and their families for over 50 years now after such a short courtship! That being said, they’d both be the first to admit that there is no such thing as a perfect pairing: ALL marriages have major ups and downs and are rife with personal challenges that at times feel insurmountable….
We’ve ALL been there, amiright?
Before you read my parents advice, I feel it pertinent to point out that I have never subscribed to the Cinderella fairy-tale nor do I think any marriage is, actually, “easy.” It hasn’t been for me (I never thought I’d marry OR have children – really!) and I know that for almost all of my friends it also has been their greatest hurdle to get through AND over.
And for many, getting OVER simply isn’t in the cards. This ISN’T a personal failure: this is a CRITICAL thing to point out! I don’t look down or judge anyone who has experienced divorce — but what I think IS equally critical to pay attention to as humans is that if we never learn anything from the things in our lives that don’t go “right,” than that IS a failure in my book.
[bctt tweet=”My point is: it’s super imperative that we not repeat the same behaviors and expect a (miraculously) more positive outcome….” username=””]
So, that being said – let’s see what my parents had to say! And, when reading their advice, try to pay attention to how each nugget of information could apply to your own life and relationships! And remember there is always a new lesson to teach ourselves each day….
⇒ DON’T GIVE UP EASILY:
Both my parents couldn’t stress this one enough! My mom was particularly categorical on this one. She said there were MANY times – especially in the first 5-7 years of their marriage – that she seriously considered leaving. Re-read that as: you are NOT alone in those thoughts!
Another thing they both agreed on? That even AFTER many decades of marriage, you’ll still feel challenged and vexed by your partner! Understandably, the first years of marriage will often be the hardest as you both adjust to the relationship and co-existing with one another. But my parents were astute in pointing out that we really shouldn’t EVER expect blissful perfection and perpetual waves of ease! 🙌🙌🙌
Both my mom and dad said they worry that divorce has become such an acceptable end result and that couples therefore tend to just “give up” too easily. Obviously, horrors such as emotional, verbal, or physical abuse should NEVER be accepted nor tolerated. But they both really wanted to remind readers that you have to EXPECT IT TO BE HARD.
They both agreed: if you’re expecting anything less than hard, you aren’t being realistic and a starry-eyed idea of what marriage will look like might actually make you end the marriage too quickly. So, they say in unison:
“Please do NOT give up easily!”
⇒ DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE YOUR EGO AT THE DOOR:
This was one my Dad in particular said took him a LOOOOONG time to learn! #girlpower (sorry, Dad and lads…..)
Really, they both stressed that it isn’t just ego you let go of, but the ability to be vulnerable with your spouse that you let IN. It’s the combination, they emphasized….
Of course, this is wayyyy easier said than done! I’m with you, there, readers! But I think we can all agree there is such astute wisdom to this point! Whenever hubby and I argue, I am never taking a moment to calm myself down to think, “is this my ego talking? Perhaps I should now inform husband that I simply wasn’t allowing myself to be vulnerable with him and admitting my defeat….”
Ummm, yeeeeahhhh: that has NEVER happened. 😝
But, really – what my parents are saying is that it SHOULD HAPPEN. The wisdom I personally really pulled out of this aspect of the discussion was that (in the middle of the fight/argument/disagreement, etc) we all absolutely should attempt to get outside our own heads in the midst of the fight/argument/disagreement, etc. and…….well, check in with ourselves!
Am I being reasonable? Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being a jerk? Am I acting in a respectful manner? Etc, Etc….
My parents stressed that they – even still – have an extremely difficult time actually accomplishing it! But, they also said that just being aware of this act and conscious of it reminds them to repeatedly put themselves in the other’s shoes more often than they used to. And maybe there’s the rub, ya know?
[bctt tweet=”They repeatedly talked about how we are inside our own heads too much – especially during a heated argument!” username=””]
Of course, we’d all agree that getting OUT OF our heads in the middle of a riotous debate is not easy. But I get the gist of what they were trying to stress to me so furiously; they KNOW how integral it is to a relationship to comprehend, acknowledge, and (hopefully) put into practice this arduous lesson….
So, dearest readers: I don’t know about you, but I am really going to TRY to STOP 🛑 !!!!! …. in the middle of that heated disagreement and take stock. Hubby might think I’ve (finally) lost it, or look at me funny and that might make me want to get even MORE embroiled with him — but honestly, I think the overall outcome might just be worth it. So, get outta your own head as much as possible, okay?
⇒ DO KEEP ROMANCE ALIVE:
So, this is perhaps a real challenge for most of us! ESPECIALLY if you have kiddos! I mean, between distance learning, feeding everyone, maintaining the house, working the jobs, taking care of the pets….HOW ON EARTH does one find time to – GULP – be intimate???? 🤔🤔🤔🤔
Well, according to my parents (euw, I know – let’s try to get past this….), it is simply – once again – BEING AWARE that it is important! Integral! Critical!!!
Now, there’s lots of advice out there when it comes to keeping romance alive in a marriage/relationship – so I won’t droll on with all the regular advise. But again I think my parents noting that the BEING AWARE that it is a very substantial aspect to any relationship, and keeping that awareness in the forefront of your minds at all times is the real plum piece of insight to take away, here.
So, how does that actually play out in real life? Well, for us, it’s just both always being – ahem – available. Seeing opportunities and taking it, making sure you make opportunities for romance (lookin’ at you, dispersed camping trips sans kiddo!), or maybe it is something as simple as snuggling on the couch together to watch Virgin River! Yeah, that’s what we do! And you know what? When hubby says to me, “hey babe – let’s watch a Virgin River together tonight” it is as if all the stars are aligned and it sounds like the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me….💫
Okay: so that might NOT be the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me – but our lives have changed, we are busy with kids and dogs and cats and homework and his two jobs. So, his informing me of his desire to snuggle with me on the couch to watch a love story play out on Netflix? Yeah, that IS romance these days to this gal….and I’ll take it, thank-you-very-much…..
So, the point is dear readers – just be aware that making time for romance should always loom somewhere in the forefront of your mind(s) in order to ensure you are making time for it.
⇒ DO MAINTAIN MUTUAL RESPECT, COMPROMISE, & A SENSE OF HUMOR:
Now, my mom has a joke about this advice that isn’t necessarily politically correct (errr, it’s a bit sexist in the opposite direction…but funny all the same!): she jokes that the above whopper of advice is what she says to men, and she jokingly tells her young women friends the secret to a long and happy marriage is “regular sex, dinner on the table, and no drama.”
Okay, okay – all joking aside: BOTH my parents wholeheartedly agreed that maintaining mutual respect (they stressed the concept of treat-your-spouse-the way-you-would-want-to be-treated), always being willing to compromise, and nurturing your sense of humor are absolutely vital to keeping a relationship together. I think the big take-away here is remembering to treat your spouse/partner the way YOU’D want to be treated. It is an easy one to forget – especially in the middle of a disagreement!
Do you want to be called a b%#@? Do you want to be called an a$%&@^? NO – of course not? First of all, many would call that verbal abuse! Secondly, just keep it simple and try your hardest to NOT SAY ANYTHING to your partner that you wouldn’t want said to yourself! Again, easier said than done for ALL this advise….but I think the secret here is training your brain to always be AWARE of these nuggets of wisdom. The more frequently you train your brain to remember all this advise, the easier it is to pluck said nuggets out of your magic hat and remedy a situation.
Lastly, they both really seemed to emphasize the importance of compromise. I have learnt this myself in my over 10 years of marriage! And here’s the thing: it took me a lot longer time than you’d have thought! See?
None of this is easy – but once you kind of get outside your head and look at the situation logically, you see the light! 💡
I’ll give you a concrete example: as you dear readers know, hubby and I love RVing in our rig, Nessie. Since I am a stay-at-home-parent and therefore have a lot more time to research trips, make reservations, etc – it was left to me to do so. In the beginning. It soon became very clear to me that this role of responsibility needed to be handed over to hubby. Why?
Well, he was perpetually changing his mind, saying he wasn’t sure about a campground I’d chosen, cancelling the reservations I had spent hours researching….it was like NOTHING I had done was “quite right.” Initially, I took this personally (as I had invested time and energy into these trips!)….but I eventually realized that he really loves these trips – I’d say even more than I do! And, I do love them! My point is this: I realized, rather than going round and round and being perpetually frustrated, that I simply had to let go of this role and hand it over to him!
At first, his reaction was, “I don’t have time!” or “but you know how to do all this!” But, I stood my ground, got out of my own head, and explained that I simply could not and would not continue to put efforts towards this when he clearly wanted to be “in charge” of this area. At first, he kind of took that personally – but now that he organizes our trips, it just goes SO much smoother from beginning to end!
My bigger takeaway? He is the type of person who likes to be in charge! I honestly don’t care as much. So, go with that! Don’t hold it against him, call him “controlling,” (whoooo, meeeee? 😜), or make this about your ego! Just hand it over!!! I have found that the awareness of our personalities and assigning roles based off of our personalities really has made our marriage much more harmonious….
In essence, I like to think the above example is also connected to the larger concept of maintaining a sense of humor. Don’t take yourself too seriously, remember to let go of the things that you don’t necessarily have to hold onto (especially if it is bringing you grief!), and absolutely choose to laugh at a particular situation rather than get heated about it.
⇒ DO REMEMBER TO FORGIVE EASILY:
This was the last little treasure of advice from my parents. And admittedly, perhaps the most difficult. It is extremely difficult to forgive someone when you have felt hurt, betrayed, insulted, ignored, etc, etc. I will never forget a very wise woman I knew back in the day once told me, “you use anger to cover your hurt.” (thank you, Daphne – I’m forever indebted and will never forget you….)
WOW: talk about 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
It seems so obvious or easy to figure out – yet I had never actually gotten outside of my own head enough to realize that my ‘go-to’ was to get angry – but really I was HURT. Not only have I learnt to forgive myself for that – but it also reminds me to forgive others because they might do the same. In fact, I think A LOT of us (men AND women!) default to using anger to cover hurt….
So, let this be a reminder to forgive your partner more easily (for reasonable situations obvs: ANY form of physical, mental, or behavioral abuse does NOT apply, here) and most importantly – to also remember to forgive ourselves more frequently and effortlessly.
Another important lesson in learning to forgive more often? Don’t hold grudges; forgive your partner in the manner you yourself would wish to be forgiven.
This means no silent treatment, no playing mind games, no manipulating. This goes back to my parent’s sage advice of treating your partner in a manner in which you yourself want to be treated by others!
Do I personally have all this down to an art form? HECK NO…..
But, I try harder and harder each year (errr, day?) to attempt to get better at it. Because why wouldn’t I??? I mean, those vows I personally took earnestly; we all ought to take them extremely seriously. They ought to be respected; this is a relationship worth fighting for, a relationship worth commitment to the craft and a desire to carry us to a more enlightened place of harmony and oneness.
Isn’t that what we all aspire to? Well, most of us, anyway. So – the next time hubby and I get into it, I know that I will try my hardest to heed my parents words of wisdom. And I might fail, but I won’t ever stop trying. Because a lasting marriage isn’t only something to esteem to, but something to work really, really hard for. For those who are divorced or who seem to have perpetual break-up’s, don’t think you are doomed!
The thing I have personally learnt the most from my mom and dad is this:
If none of us learn from our previous mistakes, then it is likely the vicious cycle will continue. For example, my mom says she learned a lot from mistakes from her own parents broken marriage, her 1st marriage, and from other marriages she witnessed. My dad said he also learned from his own parents broken marriage and also quipped that he felt being an older (for those times, anyway!) groom also assisted in the maturity it takes to appropriately serve a marriage.
So, I guess what they are really trying to share is to NOT repeat vicious cycles! Have you been married multiple times? Are you perpetually getting broken up with? Or maybe you’re not getting outta’ your own head to marinate on your own behaviors?
IF any of the ☝️applies to you, than perhaps you should heed my parents advice!
I for one had to go through a VERY traumatizing break-up in order to grasp that true wisdom lies in looking at oneself in order to see where mistakes were made, and how said mistakes could have been avoided had I looked within. In doing so myself (and with therapy), I was forced to face the aspects of my personality that were tough for others to handle, and it allowed me the liberating sensation to pursue becoming something better than my former self.
Am I there yet? Absolutely NO WAY. Not even close. But, I still TRY. And, that’s worth a whole lot.
Sometimes I really think it is only in the deep, dark places where one can find the light. Yes, there are many writers and poets who have philosophized around this concept – but it really is true in my personal experience! So, if you’re currently in that deep dark space – remember that it’s quite likely that you will come out the other end tuned in, wised up, and hip to the knowledge that changes within yourself must be made in order to progress into a more favorable and long-lasting relationship.
And please don’t forget to forgive yourselves, readers…..
I hope this post has served you somehow, or the timing has hit that sweet spot somehow; I also hope you will share it with someone who may need it. I know I will never stop learning from my parents, my life experiences, and those around me. I also think that a lot of marriages/relationships get easier with time. It makes sense that two people who have promised their hearts to one another and who live side by side with the assistance of Father Time manage to settle into a routine with less chaos, distress, and adversity.
My own marriage has been far from idyllic and has been littered with imperfections on both our parts, but hubby and I remain committed to each other, our families, and our son.
Starting out as a sensitive girl with an extreme dark side who listened to heavy metal and – never in a million years – imagined herself getting married much less having any children….well, I can tell you that my decision to get married and commit to another person with the dedication that I had always made sure I put towards myself, has been the best decision I ever made. NOTE: not the easiest….but DEFINITELY the best.
It seems fitting to close with a quote by one of my muses.
[bctt tweet=”I’m not a quitter. I believe in following things through. – Karen O.” username=”A Substantial Life Blog”]
Lastly, I’d like to thank both my parents from the deep depths of my heavily beating and steadfast heart for teaching both my sister and I what true love looks like, feels like, and acts like. Your lessons will never be taken for granted. I hope you, dear readers, can take something from their advice as well. 💜
Cinderella’s glass slipper might never be realized, but I’ll take cuddling with Netflix, watching him lift our son with his brawny devotion, and those resplendent moments when we look into each other’s eyes and we KNOW we were made for each other. Just remember, baby: your kinds my kind, I’ll stay the same, cuz they don’t love you like I do.
Always Here,
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