As we all find ourselves still plugging along after living through a pandemic, the importance of our collective mental health cannot be overstated. My family and I moved into our new house in a small rural town on March 13, 2020: thinking our son would walk the 30 steps to the elementary school and that we’d enjoy date nights walking to local eateries and wine-tasting rooms (I am lucky to live in California Wine Country) – only to find out only a day or so later that our son would need to be home-schooled and that our new home was where we’d be quarantining for an undisclosed amount of time.
Interestingly, for us, the beginning of the pandemic wasn’t too bad. We’re VERY lucky: I had been a stay-at-home mom for about a decade at this point, so considered myself extremely fortunate that home-schooling would be a fairly (ish) smooth transition. I constantly thought about the parents who are forced to work full-time, the single mothers out there, or how the pandemic would affect those kids out there whose families desperately needed childcare. It still keeps me up at night, honestly. The house we bought had a hot tub – something we had never had before….but I swear that hot tub (we dubbed it “Dr. Hot Tub”) got us mentally through those first 6 months! Seriously: never underestimate the importance of a hot tub!
So, we awkwardly and tentatively learned to co-exist with each other 24-7, took MANY dips in Dr. Hot Tub and managed to adjust with a slew of alterations and compromises. READ: it wasn’t easy. But, we always felt lucky to have our home, our lovely small community where weekly drive-bys with honking and waving kept smiles on our faces (thank you, Michael and Gabriel….), and our pets to keep us calm(er) and entertained. My husband is a high school teacher and also teaches part-time at our local junior college, so having him home so much took a lot of getting used to. Ahem, A LOT. I had been rather used to having about 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, to myself. Granted, it was rarely doing enjoyable things (hello endless laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, and organizing!) but after over a decade, I had certainly gotten used to A-Time!
And it probably doesn’t need saying that I REALLY loved said A-Time….😌
Now that both my husband and son are back at school each day, things are definitely easier and less, errr, crowded. Yet I have found that not only myself, but many others I have spoken with, are kind of just now dealing with the realization(s) of just how much we all went through during the pandemic! Some people were undoubtedly affected earlier on in the pandemic, but for myself and many of those close to me, it is kind of hitting HARD now. It’s like I was in survival mode during the lockdown, just kind of putting my head down and getting er’ done…but I realized about a month or so back that I wasn’t doing okay…I needed help!
So, I started therapy!
For me, finding my therapist wasn’t difficult: my good friend had been seeing her for a short time and so I (fortunately) really liked her and have been seeing her ever since. I cannot tell you, dear readers, how much my weekly visits to her help me! Like, HOW much time ya got??? 😆
She provides me with self-reflection, ways to de-stress, insights into others around me, tips and tools for how to improve my own behaviors and patterns, and SOOO much more! I always end up feeling light as a feather after seeing her, and when I have entered the building I always feel like a boulder stuck in a rut.
So, below you will find my list of 10 tips for starting therapy!
I hope that this list helps you not only realize what is important regarding starting therapy with someone but also helps to de-stigmatize mental health in our country. There is absolutely ZERO SHAME in seeking out therapy. This is an area that needs serious growth in not only America but the entire world! I also find that those who discredit therapy the most, are oftentimes those who need it the most. So, please never let anyone make you feel like you should not seek it out….💞
1. Do It For YOURSELF
Look, friends, I’ll cut to the chase: we will never grow and prosper as individuals if we are not willing to go to the “deep, dark place” of our past(s) and resolve any trauma or conflict. Just sweeping our issues under the rug does absolutely zero good! You must be willing to enter into therapy for YOURSELF. Not to fix someone else, or because someone forced you into it, or because you think it will help you to just vent your problems with someone else. Therapy will always come back to YOU. This should also not be something to be afraid of; it is truly liberating!!! The importance of being able/capable to self-reflect is a priceless gift one can give to oneself. It allows you to tap into a greater level of wisdom and certainly frees you from the binds that are holding you back. Therapy will only be right for you and you alone. #truth
2. Find The RIGHT Therapist
This is critically important! Like, I cannot tell you HOW important this is! It can literally make or break your therapy experience. I have personally seen therapists off and on since I was about 25, and I have seen how finding a therapist you are comfortable with can make your experience a thousand times more successful.
My advice? Make appointments with 3-5 different therapists, informing them you would like a “trial session.” All therapists expect this, so do NOT feel as if you are mandated to that one person! You most likely will know after that hour session is complete whether or not you felt a natural ease with the therapist. If you have anything holding you back, or you just don’t feel quite right about it, move on to another. SERIOUSLY.
You should absolutely try to find someone who is in your insurance network, too. It can get extremely expensive otherwise! You certainly don’t need to add debt to your list of stressors!
Also, just because my friend’s therapist worked for me, does NOT mean that because a certain therapist works for one person, that therapist will work for you! Don’t go into any session with any therapist with the mindset that this person will be a perfect fit for you. You really have to marinate on your trial session afterward and come at it with a critical eye. I say this because finding that perfect fit might take a bit of time! Whether it’s one therapist’s heavy perfume that bothered you, or you found them not truly listening, or even that you just didn’t FEEL relaxed in their presence: ANY details that “put you off” will only intensify after seeing this person regularly. So, look back on each session and perhaps even journal your thoughts right afterward while it is fresh in your mind.
Lastly, consider the issues at hand. Why are you seeking therapy? Look into a therapist who specializes in the issue(s) you are dealing with. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is the gold standard, but what if you are dealing with something like PTSD? You will need someone who understands the complexities of that particular personality disorder. Or, what if you have untapped trauma or abuse you have never come to terms with? Then, you would want to find a therapist who is experienced with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing). Suspect you might have bipolar disorder? Look into a therapist who specializes in something like Gestalt Therapy. You get the idea!I have personally found that whether or not a therapist has a Ph.D. or not does NOT matter.
What DOES matter is that the therapist understands and is experienced with your particular issue(s) and whether or not YOU feel at ease and comfortable with the therapist.
3. Don’t Rush Therapy: It Isn’t A Pill…
This is also immensely important. Therapy most certainly is not a pill you take to immediately remedy your situation! It takes TIME. It is very important to understand that you don’t need to be the “perfect” patient. Therapists are there to NOT judge you. Don’t try to be something, think something, or feel something you aren’t. You Do You, as they say! Don’t think you will have it all figured out immediately, or that all your problems are going to magically be swept away. The benefits of therapy truly take time, but the results once your “work” has been done are priceless.
Understanding that you will be in therapy for a long time is something to know, appreciate, and accept.
Therapy helps you comprehend that you in the big world is about being – not just doing; how you fit in the big, wide world. 🌎
What is working for you and why, and what isn’t working for you, and why? Who am I in this world? Therapy indulges us (those of us who allow it) the ability to look within see ourselves clearly and see who we are in relation to those around us. Not in a way that is easy, unrealistic, or idealized: but instead in a way that provides our whole self to be enlightened, introspective, and able-bodied.
4. Be Open, Honest, And Real
If you aren’t truly willing to do this, you might as well take that co-pay or money you pay towards therapy and burn it. Really. You must be willing to be open, honest, and who you REALLY are (or think you are!) at your very core. Otherwise, it sends confusing and inappropriate information signals to your therapist. If you do this, you actually will not receive the benefits of therapy!
Therapy is, at its very core, about realism.
Don’t try to modify what you think, feel, or say. Simply put, don’t overthink what words you use or plan ahead what you want to say. Facing your issue(s) – there are always more than one – authentically and in the way that YOU think about them is the only way to receive the benefits of therapy! Even if someone in your life has told you something about your personality and you disagree with it, tell your therapist you disagree with it, and why. This critical information helps the therapist to understand who you really are, good, bad, or indifferent. Getting to who you are at your very core and allowing your therapist to understand how your mind works is integral to being able to help you improve your life.
5. Don’t Expect Every Session To Be The Same
Remember, friends, this is a P.R.O.C.E.S.S. Processes take, yup….you guessed it! Time. For example, some weeks when I walk out of therapy it is like I have been struck by lightning and suddenly everything in my life seems crystal clear! 💡
But some weeks after I leave, I feel downtrodden, confused, overwhelmed, or just frustrated. This is completely normal and totally okay. It is after these sessions that I pay particular attention to taking care of myself, and understanding that nothing this complex can be figured out swiftly or hastily! There will always be that ebb and flow to your therapy experience, just like there are ebbs and flows in our lives!
But here’s a reminder, it is only in seeking to understand those deep, dark spaces in life and learning from them, that we can crawl back up toward the light.
Granted, it is never easy – for any of us! But it is very important to remember that when starting therapy, you have a realistic mindset around the fact that there will be high points and low points. Just like anything else in life, there are no guarantees in therapy! More specifically, if someone does not “believe” in therapy, is there just to please someone else, or is actually suffering from a disorder that makes them incapable of being self-aware, then therapy might prove fruitless or the outcome might seem to be the opposite of what you wanted or needed. Don’t lose faith. It is only those who do the “work” and become educated, informed, and sophisticated within themselves that truly own the knowledge that they are balanced, fair-minded, and healthy. And in this, dear readers is freedom.
6. Things Miiiiight Get Worse….Before They Get Better
This is a really important fact to wrap your head around. Again, therapy isn’t a pill you can take to immediately get rid of “symptoms.” Let me be crystal clear about this, friends: getting deep into one’s psyche is TOUGH! It can make someone feel vulnerable, uncomfortable, disillusioned, and perhaps bring up a whole new layer in the onion of life!
Accepting your past or current truth(s) – again, there’s always more than one! – can be demoralizing. You might find yourself tapping into new realizations that can seem hard to believe, or you might have that infamous “AHA Moment!” where there is clarity, but also difficulty in acceptance of said clarity. These can all be surreal, to be sure.
But, the pay-off is HUGE; life-altering.
Remember this when you are a few months in: feeling all these “bummer” feelings is completely normal! It is also a really easy thing to forget, so be sure to journal like crazy (manually or online!) in order to keep your thoughts and feelings clear and fresh in your mind. Jot down the fact that you are already aware that things might get worse before they get better! This is the best way to keep this easy-to-forget concept in the forefront of your mind. Doing so miiiight just separate those who stick it out, and those who give up and in turn never become “enlightened.”
Remember to not give up, and stick with the process. Lean towards the light…
7. You Are NOT Selfish Because You Need To Talk About Yourself!
Look, I will put this to you simply and transparently, dear readers: the fact that you think you might be selfish for needing to talk about yourself – in its very essence – means you are self-aware, NOT a narcissist, and perhaps might likely be an empath. The very fact that you have considered it might be selfish means you are, in fact, NOT a selfish and self-serving person! Kudos to you!!! 👏
Talking about oneself in order to achieve a higher level of understanding can never be a bad thing. There is real wisdom, there! If you were someone who completely lacked consideration for yourself or others then you are most likely (errrr, very likely!) someone who would not consider therapy in the first place! Think about that for a minute…
See? Remember, the whole point of therapy is for you to be well!
So, don’t trouble yourself by thinking you are self-centered in seeking help. It is truly one of the greatest gifts a person can give to themselves! So, get started, talk about yourself, your world, and where you fit in it. You are bound to only be met with insight, forgiveness, and fulfillment.
8. Self-Esteem And Self-Worth: NOT The Same Thing
People can appear to have very high levels of self-esteem, be completely satisfied in their lives, and literally charm a room the second they walk into it. Do not be fooled: this trio of behaviors does NOT a self-confident person make! In fact, research Overt and Covert Narcissism, and you will soon learn that just because someone appears to be one thing, does not at all mean that they actually are that thing (or, many other things, in fact!)….
In starting therapy, it is not self-esteem you want to gain, but self-worth!
Self-esteem is simply strengthening one’s own belief in themselves through gaining confidence in one’s own abilities. That is it. That’s where it ends, folks. Self-worth, on the other hand, is feeling you are valuable even when you aren’t “good” at something. There’s the rub….
Advocating for yourself and believing in your core that you are worthy of healthy treatment NO MATTER WHAT – that is what self-worth looks like! Accepting yourself for who you are (including all the things you don’t like!) is one of the most precious gifts you can give to yourself, and sometimes (a lot of times?) we need help in getting there. Therapy is the best way to work on building self-worth. Even if you are already valuing yourself, building up more reserves of self-worth will only ever bring about an even more positive outcome.
So, what does this really look like? Here’s an example: I know I am overweight. I know I’d be happier with myself if I lost some weight. A cross between chronic autoimmune disease, a severely fractured tailbone, and a lack of discipline is what is and has always held me back from my ideal weight. But, because my weight has suffered through the years, does this mean that I allow people to treat me with disrespect, cruelty, or shame?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Make sense? Just because I am not achieving some goals I’d prefer for myself does not mean that I am any “less than.” So, if you don’t have reserves of self-worth, I suggest you start therapy. Rather than new clothes, that new car, or the glitzy vacation you’ve been eyeing for Christmas this year, might I suggest you gift yourself with the gift that not only keeps on giving – but also the gift that can literally change your life for the better…
9. Sex & Money
Ha! I got your attention, didn’t I? Sorry, I couldn’t resist. But honestly, learning to talk about these two things is actually very important in therapy! Let’s start with the more exciting topic, first. It may seem extremely uncomfortable to talk about sex with a therapist, but I believe it is really important. You have to remember that the room you sit in with your therapist is a safe space (and, if it doesn’t feel that way, get a new therapist!) and they are definitely not going to be shocked by, well, just about anything! That is what they are there for – you must remember this fact. Interestingly, most people don’t talk about sex enough with a therapist – and more importantly, most people do not realize how skipping this critically important subject means neglecting the feelings that you may or may not be holding onto!
Also, you may not realize this, but completely disregarding sex and desires in your therapy session could also mean you are ignoring potentially pivotal issues that your therapist miiiight not be noticing.
I mean, let’s face the facts, here: we all go to the bathroom, we all fart, we all burp, we all – should – enjoy sex and intimacy. There, I’ve said it. Now, get over it and go talk to your therapist about just what is good, or bad, in the bedroom!
Regarding $$$$, here’s another whopper for you: therapy DOES cost money.
Remember the aforementioned in-network therapist? Well, that is the best way to go. Therapy can get quite costly if you are not seeing an “in-network” therapist within your insurance plan. There is of course a window of cost(s) based on where you live, but in my area therapy sessions generally cost anywhere between $100-$250 each time. That can REALLY add up!
There are many options online now, too. But here is a little nugget of information for you, dear readers: I personally think in-person therapy is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more effective. There’s an energy between two people, you know? That gets lost when you are just looking at each other on a computer screen. Also, there could be body language or minute details that the therapist can miss with just a computer screen! So, I really cannot stress enough how crucial I believe it is to seek out a therapist in person.
Lastly, you have to remember that (generally speaking) the type of person who seeks out either a master’s degree or doctorate, tons of student loans, and endless hours studying people and their behaviors, well – generally these types of people actually DO CARE about others! They want to help people live happier, healthier lives! Wouldn’t you rather spend money on someone who cares about you rather than on anything else???
10. Signs It Is Time For A New Therapist
So, assuming you have started therapy and either you just aren’t comfortable with a new therapist or you have been with the same therapist for some time and something is off, you might feel unsure about whether or not you should stay or go (remember #2)…
I wanted to end this post with some signs and tools for moving on with another therapist should you feel this to be necessary. It’s never an easy decision – but remember you have to be your OWN advocate! This isn’t about ego, this is your mental health! So, here are some red flags that you might need to seek out a new counselor:
⇒ They forget key facts about you
This is a pretty obvious one! Look, if the therapist doesn’t remember the key points that you and he/she have been discussing, forgets your name, seems unsure of what you are talking about, or seems oblivious to anything you bring up – that is a pretty clear sign that you need to break up with this therapist! An ethical therapist will take notes during each session and should review said notes before each new session with you. If it seems they aren’t doing these things, it’s time for someone new.
⇒ They end sessions too early or start sessions late
This is NOT okay. You are paying for their time, remember! And, that time is precious. I know of some therapists who have sessions as short as 30 minutes, but to me, that is utterly pointless. A good therapist will give you a one-hour session each time. That should always be your gold standard. And, make sure you are keeping an eye on the clock just as they are! The only way to really ensure you aren’t being cheated for this time is to be as “on it” as they are! Also, expect the therapist to need to look at the clock every now and then – but they should NOT be eyeing constantly. Also, NOT okay….
⇒ You leave each session wanting/needing more
If you are leaving every session with your therapist feeling like you want or need more insight, tools, resources, time – whatever! IF you feel you want or need anything MORE…then it is time to say goodbye.
⇒ You don’t feel like you trust your therapist
This is a BIG one, you guys. I actually have had more friends than I’d prefer to count who have let this lack of trust between themselves and their therapist go on FAR too long!
Saying, that, I will say that it can take some time to feel comfortable enough to open up and be your authentic self with your therapist. But, if about 3 months or so have passed and you still don’t feel you can open up enough, or you get any niggling feelings that make you question whether or not you can trust your therapist (before just a couple of months!) then it is definitely time to interview new therapists.
⇒ Your feedback falls on deaf ears
If you are feeling like the feedback you give to your therapist isn’t heard, or respected, or that maybe he/she just doesn’t seem open to said feedback, this is a MAJOR sign to move on! You could, dare I say, be dealing with a narcissistic therapist! Yes – they do exist! If your therapist isn’t open-minded enough to hear your needs, why on earth would you be wasting your time?
⇒ Your therapist falls asleep on you
Ummmmmm…….ENOUGH SAID!
⇒ Your therapist doesn’t support your goals
If you feel your therapist is giving you bad advice – chances are, you are right! Remember: Be Your OWN Advocate! Also, if you feel like your therapist claims to be an expert in literally everything, then it’s time to think about breaking up. Your therapist is there to listen, give you meaningful insight, and most importantly instill in you the confidence to remedy the very reasons you are there in the first place! If you feel pushback, doubt, or constant questioning of your thoughts, it’s time to move on.
⇒ You find you are just venting each session
This has happened to me! I eventually realized that I wasn’t actually learning any tools or resources for my problems, I was just complaining and venting each session and not making any headway! Remember, therapy will almost always end up being about Y.O.U. We all have issues, friends — so let’s call a spade a spade and know this: if all you are doing is venting, you need to start looking more inward! I speak from experience!
⇒ Your therapist talks about their own life more than yours
This seems obvious, but I have had friends who have shared with me that they have had this experience! This is definitely a red flag! Time to move on. STAT.
I truly hope this helps someone! Seeking therapy for yourself is beyond critical and mental health awareness is severely lacking in this country. People need to talk about it, not see it as a weakness (it’s actually a strength!), and throw the stigma around therapy out the window! Remember you should interview numerous therapists, trust your gut instinct, seek a therapist who is in-network with your insurance, and be your own advocate. If you have never sought out therapy, please DO. Every single human on earth can only benefit from this beautiful journey.
Remember to share this post with anyone who you think would appreciate it, needs it, or could benefit from it!
Always Here,
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